Sword Art Online: Or How We Learned to Stop Hating MAL First Episode Reviews and Began to Troll Back

If you are a MAL user like me, you may have heard of a show called Sword Art Online; I assume it’s a show where people draw swords at Pixiv.net. Not sure how that’s exciting, but whatever. On July 8, 2012, the first episode of the show came out and impressed people. This, of course, amounted to people writing fangasmic reviews. The score was so obnoxiously high it went to the #33 top anime spot.

For anyone with an organ called a “brain”, this is worth getting pissed over.

On July 9, I wrote a scathing, critical attack on reviewers who claimed their English was bad so they should be excused for writing poorly. I like to be focused; few things distract me (eroges and Jintai are the only things right now). Yet, the flurry of Sword Art Online “reviews” frustrated the hell out of me.

I didn’t want to encroach into “For god sake stop reviewing shows when only one or two episodes are out!” club’s territory. That seesaw was rightfully theirs; my sandbox was everything else. But I was too pissed to care.

So the response is obvious: on July 11, I wrote a Sword Art Online article. I broke my old pageview record of 250~; it now stands at 317 pageviews. This may not mean much to an old blog, but for a two month old blog, it was pretty awesome. The article alone gave me 156 pageviews that day.

What I didn’t expect was the creation of an entire movement: trolling the Sword Art Online fanboys. While I didn’t actually create it myself, I found myself popularizing it unwittingly. It’s all thanks to Kaspa’s wonderful troll review (clickable image for full zoom):

Fellow MAL trolls/attention whores Adair and Eternia joined in the fun. Both Kaspa’s and Adair’s review were on the top review spots for a while, dominating every terribad review on SAO for two days straight. The movement made the ranking drop to #41 as of today.

Kaspa’s, Adair’s, and Eternia’s reviews were deleted for “being unhelpful”.

And so, this post is dedicated to the two MAL reviewers and Kaspa for making this week ridiculously fun for everyone. I have saved Adair’s, Kaspa’s, and Eternia’s MAL reviews in case they were deleted (which they did). All three people have given me permission to host it and since this blog is non-commercial, there shouldn’t be any problems. I do not credit any of these reviews to myself, only to their respective owners.

The only things I did to them was just post random Sword Art Online pictures. Because blog posts need kawaiiness~


Adair

Other Notes: WordPress is a retard and it doesn’t retain the unusual amount of spacing. Dashes are created for no reason here too. A pastebin version exists (it’s a link but this template makes it look like text; it sux0rz). The last sentences refer to a MAL comment I made in my Terribad Reviews club.

–This is my first review ever, and I feel like I need to tell you this because I KNOW how much you care.–

As of writing this review, I have only watched one episode of this series.

However, it was already clear to me from the very beginning that this anime, Sword Art Online, would be the greatest series of all time.

You see, I, the great Adair, am bestowed upon with the great power of time travel. Like many others before me, I have traveled to the future to witness Sword Art Online become the most successful, engaging, and just downright phenomenal series ever made. So, without further ado, here is my completely unbiased, scientifically analyzed, and 100% helpful review for this fantastic anime, Sword Art Online.


Story: 10/10
First, a completely unnecessary and pointless summary of the plot, because every awesome MAL review needs one. By the way, it is in no way similar to the plot summary already shown on MAL. Ohhhhhh, no. This will give much more important and relevant information about this highly engrossing series, such as the fact that the sky is, in fact, blue.

The only way to escape is to ‘clear’ the game. Death in game means actual ‘death’ —-The ten thousand THE SKY IS BLUE who have logged onto the as of yet mysterious game ‘Sword Art Online’ using their Nerve Gear have been forced into this perilous death game and are trapped inside.Protagonist Kirito, one of the THE GRASS IS GREEN many gamers, has greeted this ‘truth’.
He plays as a solo player in the giant castle that is the stage for this game —- ‘Aincrad’. To meet the conditions of clearing the game and leaving this twisted virtual world, he must get through KIRITO HAS DARK HAIR all 100 floors. Will Kirito have what it takes to clear the game, or will he die trying?


Okay, now on to the actual review part, which is equally informative and brilliant as the informative and brilliant plot summary (no thanks to MAL, of course) written above.

Just by watching the first 5 seconds of this episode, I could already tell how intricate and clever this anime’s plot will be. When the unnamed reporter expresses in a high-pitched voice how excited she is about the new game, Sword Art Online, it obviously foreshadows how amazingly amazing this anime will become. The fact the Kirito and the other players are unable to logout of the game is THE MOST EPIC PLOT TWIST EVAR, and it clearly shows that this series will have an enormous abundance of highly unexpected and well-done plot twists. Seriously. I never saw it coming. I mean, it’s not like this plot point wasn’t already clearly mentioned in the terribly written MAL summary (for which I had to provide a much better substitute, thank you very much.) or anything. Basically, this ENTIRE ANIME is good. The beginning was good. The ending was good. Every single plot twist throughout the WHOLE SERIES was absolutely godly. Seriously, this is my favorite series OF ALL TIME. The story beats out Code Geass, Mahou Shoujo Madoka Magica, or any other series with a plot. It has more symbolism than fucking NGE, and I haven’t even seen NGE. But you know me: I know everything, even if I haven’t even seen it yet! Psychic, right here. Anyways, this ENTIRE STORY is just simply amazing! FUCKING BADASS!


Characters: 10/10
Kirito is the most fascinating and well-developed main character I have ever seen, hands down. I mean, the changes he goes through in this series are just brilliant. He starts from being this loner kid playing a video game, to a kid playing a video game who meets a friend! Now isn’t that something. That’s right, folks. You don’t see HARDCORE CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT like that every day. Another well-developed character was Klein. We learn so much about him in this series, like the fact that he lives alone, and that he ordered pizza at 5:30. I mean, really! What more could you ask for in a character? Other especially interesting characters include Unnamed Girl With Sword, Unnamed Guy #1, Unnamed Guy #2, and so on, and so on! I feel like I know each of these characters personally from watching this amazing series about them. Absolutely brilliant! FUCKING BADASS!

Art: 10/10
I don’t actually know anything about art, so I’ll just pretend I do and talk on and on about how great I thought the animation and the backgrounds and the character designs and the grass and the sky and the pebbles and that one strand of hair on Kirito’s head were! ALL AMAZING! Ten out of ten! FUCKING BADASS!

Music: 10/10
FUCKING BADASS!

Enjoyment: 10/10
I LURVE THIS WHOLE ANIME YAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY SUGOI DESU UGU UGU UGU NYA~~~~~~~~~ FUCKING BADASS!!!!111

Overall: 10/10
What else can I say? Sword Art Online is the best anime I have ever seen in my entire life. Also, this is where I’ll leave you with a message saying how I will update this when the whole series finishes airing. But to hell with that! Who needs a full review? Since I have the ability to travel to the future and determine that, YES, this ENTIRE SHOW is GOD-TIER, why would I ever need to update this? Just hit the fucking “helpful” button already! Because YOU KNOW how helpful this review was.

In conclusion, I recommend this to everyone. I recommend this to you, your mom, your dad, your siblings, your grandparents, your aunts and uncles, your cousins, your second cousins, your third cousins, your spouse, your other spouse, your dog, your cat, your car, your house, your Xbox, your dick….EVERYONE! I MEAN IT!!!!!!11

Oh, and even if you click this as “unhelpful”, FEAR NOT! I shall click my own review as “helpful”, because, let’s face it. Who doesn’t?

And on that note, I’d like to end this with a very special word. A wise, wise old sage once told me that, “Any review that ends in the word, ‘fuck’, is an amazing review.”

Well, this is clearly an amazing god-tier review, so FUCK.

Eternia

Other Notes: Doesn’t end with the word, “FUCK”. Also, this review has a pastebin version because of that fucking smiley face.

Setting destination… half a year in the past… July 14th, 20XX. Destination confirmed. Launching. 3. 2. 1. Boooom!
I am finally here!! To the time that SAO has just started. For what purpose? I am here to tell you the awesomeness of this anime, of course! What’s with that look? You don’t believe me? How compare a time traveler such as me with those fake wizards.
Oh, at this time period, this is my first time. So please be gentle. *blush* And please do normal plays only.

Story : 10/10
The story is orgasmic! It’s something that you past dwellers must have never seen. Drinking health potions, huntingmonsters, hunting fellow players (PK), forming guilds, teleport crystals, dungeon crawlings, gangbang boss monsters, they are all so COOOOOL!

Art : 10/10
Even though I got D on my art class, I must tell you that the art in awesome! The CG is beautifully done! And the main guy and gal are super cute! Even more so the guys in girls clothing after a certain incident! And a certain bald merchant that the protagonist frequents, you may come simply by having them stares into your eyes!

Sound : 10/10
The BGM is awesome and fit nicely with the mood! It’s definitely better than those you hear on Super Mario, Contra, Sonic the Hedgehog or Bubble Booble! The OP and ED songs are orgasmic as well! The animation sequence is better than Mirai Nikki or Fate Zero. The 2nd OP and 2nd ED are great as well! It’s easily the best anime soundtrack of 2012.

Character : 10/10
The characters are incredible! They are type that you have never seen before : a loner hardworking protagonist, cute heroine who loves the protagonist unconditionally : “Do you need a reason to love somebody?”, crazy nameless character who’s in love with the heroine and want to hurt the hero (Ok, he actually has name, but you will not remember it anyway), crazy main villain who do a lot of bad things yet he’s not arrested in real life after years!, and he’s the type who : “Do you need a reason to do bad things?”
:-D

Enjoyment : 10/10
Isn’t it obvious from seeing all four previous score?

Overall : 10/10
Easily the best anime of all time. I hereby suggest all of you to give it a score of 10. Oh, it has never taken the first place even in the future. But I believe if all of us work hard together, reaching the STEINS; GATE world line and giving this anime the first place is not a mere dream!

Now if you would excuse me, I need to go back to my time period and watch the final episode. It shall be epic! YES YES YES. OH YES. I am coming!


This is Trollkastel again. I thank everyone for all the fun we had.

Finally, I don’t have to talk about this show ever again. Yay!

Now to actually watch good shows:

Shall we dive?

Tags: ,

About Kastel

My panache feels very hard.

11 responses to “Sword Art Online: Or How We Learned to Stop Hating MAL First Episode Reviews and Began to Troll Back”

  1. bobzilla21 says :

    The really funny thing about the SAO first episode reviews are that half the LN readers hated episode 2.
    Also, I cannot fly.

    • Trollkastel says :

      I was talking to Inushinde and he predicted the first episode set the bar too high. My thoughts are on the same wave line; anybody who got hyped a lot will find problems to nitpick. That’s how we humans work.

      That’s what happened to Tengen Toppa Gurren Lagann. Madoka Magica had that problem, but it wasn’t too severe. However, Sword Art Online surpasses TTGL because of the MAL ranking.

      It’s good to see it dropping though. I prefer more attention given to Jintai, which is vying for my all-time favorite anime spot.

  2. Adair says :

    I love you. Thank you for existing.

  3. Commander Obvious says :

    titles a dr strangelove reference
    but
    you forgot the punchline

    lazy trollkastel

  4. etery-chan says :

    Oooh. Nice. The pictures are pretty normal, though. I really loves the pictures from previous post : the ugly monkeys, confused psyduck, penguins in toilet, and last Narusegawa’s tsundere pic. :-D

    • Trollkastel says :

      I exercised restraint in this post because adding an unrelated picture will mean the post can be credited to me as well. So I went stale in this department to let the post stand out by itself.

  5. Hurr durr says :

    MAL RATINGS, MOST IMPORTANT THING EVUR

  6. banagherlinks says :

    This dumbshits are the reason why I hated this product of mediocrity. Funny, how mediocrity can be metaphorically synanimous with media zombie which eats this pitiful fangeek brains. Such atrocity, such pity. =P

  7. tsuki says :

    hmmm… , its really not overrated, actually a lot people give it low ratings
    must there always be a lot of character development, it feels realistic, people don’t change that much so fast
    maybe before i’m okay with reading the light novel too, but i think it should get at least a 7

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