An Important Story Regarding the Return of Toonami
Hello, my name is Lily. I hacked this blog — more on that later — to tell you a story about me and Toonami.
I remembered waking up early today in our mini anime-con held in my dorm room. The dorm room was your typical dorm room except we recently bought a DVD player and on top of that were a massive amount of anime titles. My roommate woke up and saw me awake reading manga with the elated face of a young child. She greeted me with a “Yo, what’s up?” and I turned my head towards her. Her long black hair disheveled from irregular phases of combing blocked my view of her; she pushed her hair away to reveal her ovallish face and her autumn brown eyes looked straight into mine. Embarrassed, I cowered. After a good yawn, she asked, “What’s the occasion?” I made sure to contain my excitement because there was still a bunch of cosplayers sleeping soundly; I leaned forward and whispered to her ear, “Today’s probably be the best day in the universe: Toonami is back!”
“You’re getting excited over that?”
“Yes, it’s been decades, centuries, millenniums, and universe centuries since Toonami came on this loathsome planet of ours called Earth!”
She got up from her bed, skipping around and making sure not to step on the snoring cosplayers; the way they were laying about looked like an obstacle course. Someone dressed up as Senjougahara Hitagi brought too many staplers and staples, presenting hazards for people to walk. After reaching the exit, she asked me, “So what do you want for breakfast?”
“None! You’re not excited for Toonami’s return?”
“Not really,” my roommate said, “though I’m excited for some french fries. Bye.”
She opened the door and as she exited, she waved her hand goodbye — an uncaring goodbye. I couldn’t believe the insensitivity my roommate drew; she had no idea that she was participating in a historical event: a new epoch in the makings. I know for a fact that we anime otakus would be revolutionized: our brains would be rewired and we would achieve supreme upgrades in spatial intelligences mirroring those of the great Renaissance artists when we view the return of Tom. That’s how amazing Toonami was.
But my roommate didn’t understand.
I sat on my bed and looked over to hers; the sheets still had the impression of her sleeping body. My brain, pulsing with ecstasy from our wild party and the great anticipation of Toonami, slowed down and became numb. I felt all the cosplayers sleeping in this room had blended into the floor. We got one cosplaying as Princess of the Crystal from Mawaru-Penguindrum; her body was too big for the corset to fit and I could see her cleavage from here. Her butt fared no better; her Penguin hat didn’t match her head shape — a round shape — so it was stretched, resembling more like a panda. I think she might be a bit too fat for the costume.
A few minutes later, I sighed.
The Princess of the Crystal woke up, her corset almost on the verge of exploding and only barely covering her breasts. Her floppy stomach can be seen from a distance. She greeted me, “Good morning, Lily.” I forgot her name so I nodded. She asked me why I looked so sad and I replied, “Well, my roommate isn’t interested in Toonami’s return.”
“Yeah.” I was feeling down. Everything felt still and that enveloped me. I felt I was no more.
“My God, that’s good news!” Her opera screaming roused everybody from their slumbers and shook the stillness away from me. People groaned and profanities spewed throughout the room.
“Now, now, don’t you swear in a pretty room like this!” The Princess of the Crystal soared into the limelight and wagged her right index finger. She looked all around to make sure everybody’s awake and resumed speaking, “My exclamation’s not without cause. Toonami’s returning!”
People said along the lines of “Really?”, “FABULOUS MAX!”, and more. A lone cosplayer, who dressed up as Kyubei, raised her hand up. Everybody settled down and she stood up.
“I knew about the return of Toonami for a while now. Why are you so excited for a program that didn’t sell well in the end? And we already have the internet: people are streaming on Nico Nico, YouTube, and use BitTorrent programs to watch the latest anime. Most of the shows that will be on the lineup are stuff we watched already! Nobody watches cable TV anymore unless you’re a big fan of Game of Thrones — and even with that, you still can find it on DVDs.”
The Princess of the Crystal shouted, “SEIZON SERNYAKU!”
The Triple H cover, “Rock Over Japan”, started and we all chanted, “Welcome to Rock n’ Roll Night! Welcome to Rock n’ Roll Fight! I just a Rock n’ Roll man. We’re just a Rock n’ Roll band!” Rocks started pouring in from the ceiling. We got ourselves some and started stoning the Kyubei cosplayer. Everybody started singing the song and the English lyrics went something like this:
We kept running down this road,
Racing through a path full of signs.
We crossed countless towns, spreading our song and
Continuing to torment these cowardly fools.
The wind blows, even after the lengthy winter.
Still storming down the road.
And so on.
We all stoned Kyubei while we sang on and on. Kyubei, on the other hand, had her face damaged and bruised; her arms, lacerated and butchered, had gone purplish and she cried that she couldn’t feel them anymore. I felt euphoric every time she wailed, “No more — please, no more!”
The Princess of the Crystal walked towards me and put in my hands a MG-42, a machine gun used in one of my favorite shows, Strike Witches.
She said to me, “Please kill that bitch the same way Homura did in episode 8 in Puella Magi Madoka Magica.”
I took off the safety lock and shot her. Holes formed on her body and blood poured from them, gushing to the floor. Kyubei started crying, “It hurts — it hurts!”, but I paid no attention; I could smell her fear, her wanting for repentance, and more. But who gives a damn?
As a finisher move, I put my machine gun and pointed at her left eye — no, I wanted it to be more painful: I struck the tip of the gun into her left eyeball, puncturing it. She screamed. Everybody laughed.
“That’s for messing with us Toonami fans!”
Despite the amount of detergent used, we couldn’t get rid of the smell of the Toonami hater. After cleaning the room, we all got onto our laptops and started posting rapidly on how great Toonami will be. Everybody tweeted, posted on Reddit, and more. The Princess of the Crystal, who ate the carcasses of Kyubei, ordered us to obtain more devotees, allowing me to hack into websites and blogs. That’s how I got into this blog and wrote this charming story.
Lots of users and moderators were frustrated by the massive amount of blog posts. Reddit’s anime page has this complaint in thick red letters: “We already know Toonami is back, we don’t need 2987928723 posts about it.”
So here’s my take on it: you people who don’t like to read articles on Toonami should just die. We want our religion to expand throughout the world. Maybe you don’t like it.
But the Princess of the Crystal taught me that some causes were worth annoying other people about. We’ll do everything we want to get our message across. My master told me that subway trains are the perfect place to show our prowess. We just contacted some of our affiliates and they had started producing “TOM”, a colorless gas that can paralyze people.
People in the media are going to say, “You’re taking this too far for a silly cause!” But I myself think it’s not too far enough. We will create a sensational trauma that everybody will remember. The more legions of fanboys and fangirls we have, the more power we have to annoy and scare people!
The door creaked; my roommate returned and said, “Ah, so you guys are awake. Thought you were drunk and — wait, what’s that smell?”
We all replied, “Oh, it’s probably you.”
Oh, while I was hacking, this post reminds me of his other posts: