An Important Story Regarding Anime News Network, Anime Expo 2012, and Bronies


Hello, this is Lily again! We just hacked the blogger and she — maybe a he? — forgot to change the password.

Remember my great rambling on the Return of Toonami post? We have recently released TOM on some trains and that worked really fine. Everybody liked Toonami; everyone should be.

But now, we are facing a crisis of frightening proportions. We’re here to tell you something evil that has done by Anime Expo and this blogger!

This morning, we just threw my roommate’s skeleton away — another story for another time — and cleaned her bed for my master, The Princess of the Crystal. After we attacked everyone who tried to be sore losers on the Toonami issue, I was promoted to the second-in-command. The Princess rationalized that it would be easier for both heads to be in the same place. Most of her Figma figurines came in, all stacked inside those DHL boxes. She brought her laptop from her backpack — the only thing portable, she said — and surfed the web.

“Lily, come here for a sec.”

I was drying my hair at the bathroom at that time after a good shower; my ex-roommate’s blood sprayed onto my hair and face. And there were still some flesh of hers in my teeth.

It must be important enough for her to call me before brushing my teeth, something I consider a religious ritual. I looked over the laptop and it was the social networking website, Twitter. On it were tweets by various anibloggers including the one I had just hacked. All of them said about the same thing:

Anime News Network‘s panel has been rejected from Anime Expo 2012.” The Princess of the Crystal said those harsh words without empathy. My heart wavered; the people who were helping us move the bodies of other dissidents dropped them and gaped. What a cruel, brutish world we live in!

“And look here, Lily,” the Princess of the Crystal pointed onto the laptop, “it’s one of those bloggers you hacked a few weeks ago.” — it was this blogger — “And she seems to be having fun writing how Anime News Network lost to Fakku — and My Little Pony!.” Her lips were a frown at this point. Her eyebrows curved as well and it made her eyes glare. That glare frightened everyone, especially me who was so close to her not just from physical distance but as an aide in achieving her goal.

These are the exact tweets Trollkastel used and I have linked to them as proof:

It’s obvious why Anime Expo rejected ANN; they clearly don’t have the insight of websites like Fakku, which was there last year.

But someone will say, “That’s a hentai website!” Precisely! The fact that it’s there on 2012 shows that porn is more insightful than news!

@Kaminomimemo Obviously. Everyone’s gonna go to the sound design of MLP and the Batman vs Darth Vader panels.

Everyone’s debating about Zelda Timelines right now. Suck it, Anime News Network.

You know what will make a great AX this year? A brutal fight between bronies and weeaboos because of this. #GoForIt

Disgusting, right? And she calls herself an anime fan. This is one of the reasons why this blog is hacked earlier than the others.

While I stuck out my tongue in disgust, the Princess of the Crystal smirked at the last tweet. I could see heat waves forming around her body like an aura enveloping her. Is this the power of my master — the one who can lead us anime fans into glory?

“Hm, why did she include bronies in that last tweet?” she asked out loud, “Can someone check why?”

“Got it,” said a Tsumugi cosplayer, “My Little Pony‘s sound design panel was approved and we expect a dozen of bronies to come to AX this year.”

Sound design? How did Anime News Network‘s panel lose to sound design of a show that’s not even anime? This infuriates me as a part-time human being and full-time weeaboo.

But the Princess stayed cool. She asked, “Any more stuff to tell me?”

She got off bed and looked around the room: the fifty of us who came here to move her stuff and corpses of dissidents dropped them; they were surfing the web, some of us crying, some of us ready to smash laptops, and some of them suicidal enough to put their heads onto a gun barrel. The corpses laid on the floor unmoved at the sight.

The Princess stomped her feet. Everyone stopped what they were doing; we all looked upwards to her face, who had grown wider and larger just by standing up. People who were too close couldn’t see her head because of her cleavage; their faces just blushed instead.

“Listen up, you fools who will never amount to anything,” the Princess shouted, “we’re going to shed blood against the bronies.”

Everyone gasped. Us declaring war over a group of people? Preposterous! All we were was a small terrorist group dedicated to inflict chaos onto a small group of people. We only hurt merely thousands of people with the recent TOM outbreak during the Toonami crisis. This one will involve hundreds of thousands of people!

And —

“Lily, what do you think?”

Her head turned towards me, waiting for an answer. I hesistated to give my real opinion. Everyone pitied where I was; I wasn’t sure whether I committed myself to the idea of murdering bronies.

“Lily, I understand you’re conflicted. But we’ve always been at war with the bronies since the beginning of time, that is the start of that crappy little show known as My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic.”

By this time, she turned her head around, facing the audience. She spoke with the eloquence of Martin Luther King, Jr., “The forums are filled with those disgusting pony drawings and people gushed over it as if it’s their life or something! They blog about each episode of MLP as if there’s something worthy to discuss going on; they go to DeviantArt and draw their own versions of ponies; they got themselves their own 4chan — a Ponychan, if you will; they buy useless merchandise like figurines and pillows that show their favorite pony so they can masturbate to it. And they even have those disgusting cartoon porn of ponies! They also probably have never heard of the word, ‘society’; therefore, they clearly need a life!”

Indeed, I couldn’t figure out their disgusting habits. Nor could I place any group whatsoever that resembled them.

So I, Lily who still sat on the bed mystified by the Princess’s charisma, was the first person to raise up my hand and say, “Aye, I will help you realize the bronies’ need for life.” The Princess smiled and, like a prince, held her hand to raise me to enlightenment. Both of us stood by each other and asked, “Who’s with us?”

“We will. It’s our survival strategy!”

The 48 others joined us and we together went over the aniblogging sphere once more to tell us our new plan. Our new mission. And our new hope.

The bronies are clearly a group society rejects, especially in this harsh Western world where masculinity and fashion takes control. They are on the edge of the tolerance level, ready to fall off the edge into a massacre by all of us.

What about my thoughts on them? I hate them; the Princess made me realize that. They annoy me with their posts, talking about ponies in threads that have nothing to do with it. They call it “Pony Hijack”; what right allows them to hijack a post and talk about Rainbow Dash in episode 5? I detest their blogs and they should have their faces rotten before they go to hell for eternal damnation.

I, on the other hand, am a simple weeaboo. I go to Fakku daily, read all the yuri NTR mangas available on the web, and crave for more imouto pics. My figurines — Uesugi Kenshin, Kohaku, Hisui, Akiha, Saber — they all have the ability to take off their cute little shirts to reveal their breasts. Seeing them makes my nose gush with the warm red liquid known as blood. My moeblob avatar, kawaii Ana Coppola from Ichigo Mashimaro, is worth talking about in any thread, even in US politics (“Ana Coppola is more moe than Mitt Romney desu desu~~ So vote for her instead!!!)!

And Obama is nothing compared to Ana!

So you see, bronies and weeaboos are two different creatures. One is pure evil, the other is noble: guess which one is which.

The Princess has obtained some rifles from an Advance Wars fan, who cosplayed as Hachi, and ordered more of TOM to be made. Many of the girls feel pumped up and are doing pushups. A training video is in the works with the Princess directing it; the music used is, of course, “Rock Over Japan” by Triple H.

And so readers, I like you to join us in our heavenly crusade against the bronies. I don’t think there is a compromise between us — or any diplomacy worth pondering about, for that matter.

Stability can only come after one group has taken control over everything. Two groups or more will never find their way to create a strong, proper community. That’s what I learned; history repeats itself.

Well, the days are rolling — we need to prepare after all! — and I need to get back into shape. I like to thank people who are reading this manifesto and I hope you bring all your weapons; we need all the men and women we can. As long as you bring a gun or two, we will know that you are participating. Thanks in advance and godspeed to all weeaboos participating out there!

Signing off,
Lily White

While revising this post, I was checking out her other stuff:

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About Kastel

My panache feels very hard.
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