Shinning Terribad Reviews: An Introduction

While my username is Trollkastel, I am prone to hitting my head on the wall if I read something retarded. I enjoy a lively debate, but some debates turn into arguments that seem almost black and white to me.

One of those spawned a new idea in my head. I couldn’t get it off because it is a good issue to write; it’s useful for anyone of all ages.

I’m talking about the constant raping of reviews and the English language in MyAnimeList and other communities. And the fact that people defend them. I want to write about them.

A while back, I had joined a fantastic club called “For god sake stop reviewing shows when only one or two episodes are out!”. Before blogging, there was a small period of time I was reviewing. My English wasn’t fantastic at that time, but they were eligible. And made more sense. I mean, who the hell reviews a show after one or two episodes are out like these nutcases I’m going to talk about?

Today, it had come to my attention that reviews don’t even require an episode to watch. Take this Dakara Boku wa, H ga Dekinai. review for example (clickable for full view):

I’m not exactly sure the mindset behind the review — if we even call it that. But it’s definitely original, I thought. I might call up Justin of Organization Antisocial Geniuses to add this user into our bastion of talented writers.

Anyway, I lingered on the club for a while when this came out (clicking is recommended):

For those who may be reading this post at a later date, I wrote and published this post at July 4th (aka America Day). Sword Art Online wasn’t even out.

Anyway, it has been a tendency of mine to click on reviewers’ profile to see if they have written other reviews. But my eyeballs somehow made a cursory glance to the clubs by mistake; I found out this reviewer actually joined the club.

This guy’s username is Bokenasu98. He has this creepy picture of a guy who looks like the mastermind of many conspiracies. But unlike the Hannibal Lecter-wannabe character, his brain is rotten, decaying matter. A perfect full-course meal for the real Hannibal Lecter.

And oh, if you don’t know my username in MAL, it’s JudeMaverick. I’m the user with the hot bikini girl in the jungle setting.

I recommend clicking the picture to get the best what-the-fuck-am-i-reading resolution:

There’s still more, but I respect the human right to live without pain. And torture of any kind isn’t humane; it might get me arrested.

I find WordPress and MyAnimeList are being a bitch — WordPress likes to compress pictures to an odd 500~ pixel pic while MAL has no sort by date function (I went on Photoshop and arranged the whole damn thing) — so it’s better for me to summarize:

A couple of users laughed it off and fellow MAL user kururugikai made an off-hand comment: “at least he did not say “not everyone knows about Google”” The response by my dear opponent: “@kururugikai i’m pretty sure north koreans don’t know about google”.

That prompted me to fight again. I criticized his so-called “reviews”, especially in his handle of background information. I’m a bit too lazy to screenshot them as evidence; in fact, the formatting of this post is becoming really weird. But I do suggest checking out his pseudo-reviews (unless he deleted them out of shame, of course):

Yuru Yuri S2

“I don’t know what else to say, but i love this manga anime because it’s so ****ing funny xD
i love the characters, the moe art, music and voice actors xD”

This is the review. I mean, this is the review.

Sword Art Online

This is the official synopsis:

“The only way to escape is to ‘clear’ the game. Death in game means actual ‘death’ —-

The ten thousand who have logged onto the as of yet mysterious game ‘Sword Art Online’ using their Nerve Gear have been forced into this perilous death game and are trapped inside.

Protagonist Kirito, one of the many gamers, has greeted this ‘truth’.
He plays as a solo player in the giant castle that is the stage for this game —- ‘Aincrad’.

To meet the conditions of clearing the game and leaving this twisted virtual world, he must get through all 100 floors. Will Kirito have what it takes to clear the game, or will he die trying?”

This is Bokenasu98’s “review”; I copied his “Story” section:

“Sword Art Online takes place in a virtual world, an MMORPG, which you cannot log out of. The only means of escaping it is to clear it. If you die in the game, you die in reall life.”

He wrote to me,

all I got from you’re post are “words words words i am a pretenttious hipster”
attacking me with a text wall like this isn’t going to do anything
how the **** is my review less informative than the synopsis?

Fuck, this guy uses asterisks. I wrote “fuck” in the previous MAL post: “Even if your intention may be good-willed, how the fuck am I supposed to get any meaning out of your post?” What a pussy.

Sighing, I clarified: “Your Sword Art Online “review” misses the nerve gear, the giant castle setting, and the 100 floors.” I also pointed out his ad hominem attacks.

Of course, he ignored it and instead said, “nothing comes out from fighting ad hominem with ad hominem, you know / omg i can use latin too!” (The slash indicates he made a new paragraph)

I was going to say that he was using the term incorrectly. Ad hominem attacks are logical fallacies precisely because it has nothing to do with the argument in case. For example: insinuating Obama’s name is like a Muslim when it comes to presidential issues. Or for a lighter note: calling me a pretentious hipster for no reason.

I was just verbally abusing him if anything. Because he pissed me off.

I was thinking of replying —

But I guess I shouldn’t. I apologize to the club for instilling too much drama.

I need a freakin’ drink.

Was Trollkastel being trolled? Yes. In fact, I’m aware of that. But readers who may laugh it off as something minor don’t understand reviews. And English.

You see, English isn’t my native language. This writing style — I call it a conversationalist style — is easy to read and people like it. However, I didn’t bring it up on age five. I wrote terrible English at first. Look at my Akikan! review for god’s sake — it’s the first review found on MyAnimeList profile. It read like shit. And I disagreed with the content after gaining a brain.

I definitely had no ethics when I wrote that review. Whatever came to mind was scribbled on paper without a filter. Somebody said to me, “Think before you act.” I refused that notion completely because I was an idiot.

But idiots do learn from mistakes if they want to.

At the age of eighteen, I ask people to take a look at my articles. My poor comrade in writing, liberatedliberator, writes a blog called Deep Blue Jeer and has been my good editor of my scholarly articles. After getting accolades from my English class, I felt I could go into the blogosphere and start writing a good blog. It became this blog. One month old and a half, this blog did its thing: get 2,000 views. I was happy for a while.

But was I ignorant! I noticed the English language has been raped and violated by idiots. Idiots who can’t read, let alone write; idiots who write long-winded sentences that makes Twitter whale cry; idiots who think watching a PV, let alone one or two episodes, is enough to say, “This show is good.”

If Freud was alive, he’d say something akin to Freudian projection. And he’s right: I’m really pissed I was an idiot.

I am humble enough to say my reviews have flaws.

If Roger Ebert took a look at my reviews, he’d say, “What a waste of time.” My music reviews on OASG seems to be written by someone who loves everything — except I do not. I don’t have the stamina to write reviews for bad animes. And many more.

But I have decided that I still can review reviews.

Why? Don’t I have a better use of time? These pseudo-reviewers don’t listen to advice so why waste precious time?

I don’t think that is the case though. There are anibloggers who read this blog (for some reason unknown to me) and take lessons out of it. My blog is satirical — I want change to happen — but I realize it doesn’t have much of a focus. Thus, I have decided to create a recurring feature for this blog: Shinning Terribad Reviews.

“Shinning” and “Terribad” are two words I stole from the blog. The former comes from an intro of Dark_Sage’s Shining Bread fansub review while terribad comes from another post. I found them fantastic words to describe today’s English. So credits to the guy.

I target reviews that seem sloppy, shitty, and make no sense — similar to Bokenasu98’s. Grammar, content, flow, style, and many more are things worth writing about. Linking in MAL apparently doesn’t exist, but I’ll find some way to acquire examples.

It’s a depressing and jeering column, but it tells us to learn from other people’s mistakes. And if your review is slaughtered here, I can’t have any sympathy for you. But you can polish yourself; I may take note of your improvements.

Gems start as flawed things, you know. And if you polish yourself, you may be a better writer than I am.

And I want that to happen.

UPDATE: The Bokenasu98 episode continues… This is as bad as the Star Wars prequels.


About Kastel

My panache feels very hard.

22 responses to “Shinning Terribad Reviews: An Introduction”

  1. TPAB~ says :

    lol. i do agree that reviews based on 1 eps anime is stupid. especially on MAL where I often read the reviews to get an idea of the show. its frustrating because there are serious reviewers on the site too.

    and lol again. i kinda feel for the guy because he doesn’t see what is wrong with his reviews though i do feel that writing a blog ridiculing him is unfair. though i would probably do the same. XD a review based on the trailer. its epic.

  2. bobzilla21 says :

    This column looks hilarious. 😀 Even if I feel slightly bad because I’m a terrible writer myself.
    Who rates these reviews as helpful anyways?

  3. flomu says :

    MAL reviews are all shit anyway.

    Look at the top rated reviews – they’re all long-winded essays about nothing in particular. A review should be persuasive, not boring.

    • Trollkastel says :

      Definitely, best character from Katawa Shoujo. They are not engaging and they write vaguely — almost afraid to actually voice an opinion. Doesn’t help they all read the same.

      I like Dark_Sage’s method to make sure your review is unique: Replace the title of the anime and see if it makes sense. If it does, your review sucks.

  4. Justin says :

    You really have nothing better to do don’t you? Get back to music reviewing for me NAO 😀

  5. Justin says :

    On the other hand, that was a good laugh

  6. Kuuki says :

    Last time I read a review in MAL (that was yesterday) it was praising the originality of something based on Alice in Wonderland. I facepalmed.

    And I laugh everytime I realize that my English can be much better than a native. (Even though it’s awful)

    I felt really sorry for you but had a lot of fun reading that, thanks!

  7. Konata_01 says :

    I tend to never trust reviews on these kinds of sites in the first place. I’ll be the first to acknowledge my own shortcomings as a blogger, but MAL is on a completely different level.

    Hang in there, dude. ^_^;

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