Shinning Terribad Reviews: The Deadly Waters of Sword Art Online

Once upon a time, in the mighty kingdom of MyAnimeList, there lived a species called the “MAL Reviewers”. Some were very smart, but most of them were very stupid. A troll by the aliases, JudeMaverick and Trollkastel, got sick of people writing terribad reviews. Like the protagonist of Sword Art Online, this troll cannot logout of the website. He needed it to track down his anime status. Unlike the protagonist of SAO, he didn’t have a hot girl sidekick to help him. It made him very sad.

One day, as he was researching terribad reviews that used the excuse of “no speaky engrish”, he found himself in a flood of Sword Art Online reviews. Noah was not there to help him. So he drowned.

He later went to Hell, but the Devil pitied him and sent him to Heaven. After meeting Gabriel, he was led by an angel to where God resided. God had a nice beard. He was also an anime fan; His favorite animes include Toradora!. Trollkastel did not like Toradora! because he thought it was a shit show. But he did not want to piss Him.

God said to the young padawan, “I heard you review terribad reviews.” Trollkastel nodded.

“I’m going to send you back to Earth,” God said, “but only if you do one thing for me: mock the Sword Art Online pseudo-reviews. It only has one episode out. How in the world can you review that show?”

Trollkastel raised his hand and wanted to say, “Can I just stay at Heaven?” However, he couldn’t. He fell back onto Earth, back into his room.

He followed God’s order and, after writing this review, banged his head on the wall multiple times. Trollkastel was later sent to the mental asylum for rehabilitation.

This is his manuscript. We have edited out the Subject and Episodes Seen because it’s the same show and they only watched one episode. There are also no “Suggested Improvements” because Trollkastel feels that there is only one improvement for these pseudo-reviews:

Delete.

Let us enjoy in this reviewer’s misery:

#1: The Next Episode is Next Week

Username: darkdoll25
Rating: 10/10
Found on: MyAnimeList

Other Notes: Third highest review.

This is just a first impression of the first episode.

First impressions are not reviews.

That complaint will permeate throughout this article as a theme. Reviews are critical evaluations of a work. To critically evaluate, one must have seen all the episodes and carefully thought about it for a while. First impressions should go to a blog, not MAL’s reviews section. There are also other venues for impressions; I suggest the MAL forum’s episode discussions.

Do not take this as a full review, because at the time I am writing this, the next episode is next week.

So the next episode is next week. I’m so excited!

“Please downvote this review because by next week, it will be outdated.”

Wow.
Just. Wow.

Great content.

This might be the most anticipated anime this summer, because all the other animes coming out are just big boobs, comedy, and really no plot.


And every Jintai fan is pissed.

S.A.O. takes action, great art and storyline, and romance mixed all together to create this amazing anime. We will journey alongside Kirito as he tries to survive and gain companionship while being the strongest there is.

Great use of acronyms (S.A.O -> SAO). Also, why did you suddenly put “we”? Gotta love the vagueness of these two sentences. They don’t interest me on the show one bit. It’s as if he just wanted to write a review to get onto the top spot but failed!

Where this will take him, we can only wait and find out!

Spoiler: Hell.

#2: Abnormal Situations


Username: Dandey
Rating: 9/10
Found on: MyAnimeList

Normally i wouldn’t even consider writing a review after just one episode. But wow…

Yes, this is an abnormal situation. How in the world did SAO get the #33 spot despite having one episode?

This series has already caught my full attention and left me wanting more instantly.

So before watching this show, it has already caught your attention? I don’t get why “already” is used. And “instantly” is used in the most surreal fashion possible. Apparently, craving for an episode is like making instant noodles.

Use adverbs properly. In this case, don’t use adverbs at all.

“This show caught my full attention and left me wanting more.”

If it has appealed to so many already, with only one episode out then i think it’s safe to say this will be a very successful anime as more of the episodes are brought out.

Batshit insane logic right there.

If that’s the case,  is the best show in the universe.

#3: Where the Wild Things Are


Username: ryoangus
Rating: 9/10
Found on: MyAnimeList

Other Notes: The review has a huge amount of spacing. I can’t tell if this was intentional or not. If it is, it gives my computer a blue screen of death. And it’s an iMac.

I have read its Light Novel and As a Die-Hard fan of SAO I’m writing this review.

This crawful (a fusion of crap and awful) capitalization and grammar makes me want to watch Sleeping with Hinako instead. And “die-hard” is wrong; it’s diehard.

“As a diehard SAO fan, I’m writing this review.”

Actually, why not delete this fucking sentence? Nobody cares.

Don’t worry no major spoilers around (-.-)v

All reviews have spoilers. It’s just a matter of how you control it. (;_;)

SAO sets in the year 2022. The story follows around the male protagonist Kirito who enters into a virtual-realistic world through a system called Nerve Gear(which looks like a helmet).

“SAO is set in the year: 2022. The story follows Kirito who enters a VR world through a system called the “Nerve Gear”, which looks like a helmet.”

So in 2022, Kirito and the other 10,000 logged-in players all received a frightening message from the game master Akihiko Kayaba that the only way to escape from that world was to Clear the Game.

This shit is frightening.

Why does the reviewer repeat the year? Game Master is supposed to be capitalized. It’s also a ridiculously long sentence. Please don’t change tenses along the way. I suggest choosing the present tense because it’s easier to work with.

“The players receives a frightening message from the Game Master, Akihiko Kayaba. The message: the only way to escape from the world is to clear the game.”

Also dying in game means dying in real world. So the players has no chance but to complete the game


“Dying in the game means you’re going to die in the real world. The players have no other ways, but to complete the game.”

The players has to defeat many monsters or wild things

A wild terribad sentence appeared!

“The players have to defeat many monsters.”

The protagonist Kirito is NOT one of those losers who only occasionally turn GAR only when they absolutely have to, but one of those people who are consistently strong and reliable all the way through.

Run-on sentence. And do you have a fetish for the word, “protagonist”?

“Kirito isn’t one of those losers who occasionally turn GAR because it’s necessary; he’s consistently strong and reliable all the way throughout this series.”

You might be wondering why I kept GAR. I find it fitting and this is not me being sarcastic; it adds a layer of critique, humor, and personality into the review, something most MAL reviews fail at. I like my reviews to be quirky so people get to know me a bit better. Nobody likes a stiff reviewer.

It’s a sad thing this review is a pseudo-review.

Since this is based on MMORPG, there are tons of characters, and the character development is quite well done.

In-depth analysis.

Enjoyment while watching SAO is absolutely Top Notch. Since it have 26 episodes, it may have few fillers ranging from 3-5.

This reviewer is a wizard.

#4: 50 Episodes

Username: shiroyahsa
Rating: 9/10
Found on: MyAnimeList

This purely based off the first episode and my views could change,

I love how honest this review is: it knows it’s bad, but it doesn’t give a shit. Kudos, man.

Wow. i think this anime has great potential and could go in so many directions,

Up, down, left, right, diagonal, Kanto, Johto, JAPAN, Zeth, London, Sharnoth, Canada, Mexico, Cuba, America, Burkina Faso, China, Japan, USB.

potential to be the best for the year 2012

I hope this show actually fails to live up to people’s expectations. This can soothe my sorrow over Whiners’s defeat in Aniblog Tourney 2012. The lulz will be so fun.

story is truly interesting, mostly because i love to play mmorpg’s lol

WoW.

now i just have to wait and see whether it will be a long or short anime, hoping for atleast 50 episodes.

Spoiler: Unless it’s a magical girl show or Naruto, it won’t.

#5: I don’t know.


Username: lilazo
Rating: 8/10
Found on: MyAnimeList

I dont know, is like a mix of many many animes…

I was going to correct this sentence, but I have no idea what this means. I get the “is like…” part, but the “I dont know” segment confused me. What is this sentence trying to say?

And also has this medieval thing that is sooo cool. Mix between old and futurist stuff. look good, the animations looks good also, the plot…

Hemingway rolls over his grave with a bulldozer. The sentences are so abrupt it kills anyone trying to read it (except me — I’m invincible).

Futurists are scientists who try to predict the future. Therefore, “futurist stuff” is used incorrectly.

Also have this play or die thing that is soo extream, and usually put strong character with deep problemas, and huge changes around the story… Thats very important, and make a good anime.

What makes a good review:

  • Spell-check
  • Explanation of the good and the bad
  • Sentences end with a period/full stop

Well, also has sword… swords are AWESOME!

They are also awesome for killing terribad reviewers.

XD

I hate this godforsaken world.

#6: Truer words have never been said.


Username: eaglechopper
Rating: 10/10
Found on: MyAnimeList

Ok to start off if you have not watched this series… get off Myanimelist and go watch it!!!

YES PLEASE

this is my first ever review and i have to say, this anime looks amazing!

WHY ARE YOU NOT OFF MYANIMELIST

Its basically about these people who get stuck in a virtual on-line MMORPG and if they die, they die in real life.. I give the first episode 9/10 .. only because you they only introduced several main characters, but im hoping this series does not disappoint and next episode should be awesome!

YOU LIED
GET OFF MYANIMELIST NOW

#7: Shit.


Username: iinoteiki
Rating: 10/10
Found on: MyAnimeList

WARNING DO NOT READ THIS IF YOU DONT WANT TO KNOW THE ORIGIN OF THE NAME KIRITO.

I would love to, but this is my job.

Sorry to offend I need to get this out of my system. I will be swearing a few word to let you know how I feel about this. DAMN SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIT!!!!!!!!! ITS FINALLY HERE.

And thus, he came.

Sword Art Online has finally became an anime. Damn I love the art, the sound, the voice, and finally I love the story. I will tell you this when I was reading the Light Novel, I loved the story it was so amazing that I cant stop reading it. This story has romance and action, and the possibility of the game world developing into this is a fascinating idea.

This is more like a talk between SAO fans than a review. It’s problematic for people who haven’t watched the show or read the light novel.

For those who will read this review. I will tell you this the first episode is only the tip of the iceberg.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
ALL HAIL KIRITO, ALL HAIL SAO

SAO is Nazism, desho?

#8: Deus Ex Machina

Username: Ashleyzors
Rating: 9/10
Found on: MyAnimeList

Other notes: I actually don’t want to mock a user with a Gasai Yuno as her MAL pic. Mirai Nikki is pretty cool.

One word: Amazing. First episode and i’m already hooked. Can’t wait ’til next week. I have high hopes for SOA. c:


But the fact that she called this a review is intolerable.


This post is dedicated to the “For god sake stop reviewing shows when only one or two episodes are out!” club.

I hate you guys.

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About Kastel

My panache feels very hard.

11 responses to “Shinning Terribad Reviews: The Deadly Waters of Sword Art Online”

  1. bobzilla21 says :

    Half of the reviews are reviewing the light novels rather than the anime…
    The current top review for SAO is gold though.

  2. eternia says :

    A review of reviews. Incredible! I can’t stop laughing and hitting my table. My brother might think I have gone crazy. Too bad you didn’t include the guy who claimed that both the OP and ED are beautifully done. Such a wizard, he is.

    • Trollkastel says :

      It sucks being a muggle.

      The review you mentioned didn’t catch my eye. Its most humorous thing is its in-depth analysis on the sound department, specifically the OP/ED as you mentioned. Other than that, it was written normally (the definition of normal in MAL: boring, lifeless reviews). I had to play editor-in-chief with these blog posts, choosing the worst of the worst.

      I appreciate highlighting a review that I ignored. More people can downvote it~

  3. RockStrongo says :

    I felt like part of my brain was dying while reading this.

  4. banagherlinks says :

    wow sir, this review is priceless!!!

  5. banagherlinks says :

    mal lost all the credibility to me because of this shitty reviewers, who know shit how to judge what’s good or what’s nonsensical.

    MOE HATER HERE!!!!

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